This is a letter that is to one of the early “missionaries” who was “laid off” from his work ‘due to’ various reasons and was sending out resumes to continue his calling to God’s ministry.

Letter to: Corinth, Greece

Attention of: Mr. Rev. Saul (the Apostle) Paul
Independent Missionary

Dear Mr. Paul:

We recently received an application from you for service under our Missions Board. It is our policy to be as frank and as open-minded as possible with all of our applicants. We have made an exhaustive survey of your case. To be frank, “we are surprised” that you have been able to "pass" yourself off as a bonafide missionary. We are told that you are afflicted with a severe eye problem. This is certain to be a major handicap to an effective ministry. We require 20-20 vision.

Do you think it right for a ‘missionary’ to do part-time secular work? We heard that you are making tents on-the-side. In a letter to the Church at Philippi, you admitted that they were the “only church” supporting you.

We wonder why that is?

Is it true that you have a jail record? Certain brethren have reported that you did two years' time at Caesarea; and was imprisoned at Rome.

You made so much trouble for the businessmen at Ephesus that they refer to you as: "the man who turned the world upside down." Sensationalism has no place in missions. We also deplore that awful over-the-wall episode at Damascus. We are also appalled at your obvious lack of conciliatory behavior. Diplomatic men are not stoned and dragged out of the city gate, or assaulted by angry mobs. Have you ever suspected that “gentler words” might gain you more friends?

I, therefore, enclose a copy of Dalius Carnagus' book: "How to Win Jews and Influence Gentiles." In one of your letters, you refer to yourself as: “Paul,…the Aged.” Our new mission policies do not anticipate a surplus of elderly recipients any time soon. We understand, too, that you are given to fantasies and dreams. At Troas, you saw:

"A man of Macedonia" and at another time you were "caught up into the third heaven" and even claimed that:…"the Lord stood by" you.

We reckon that more realistic and practical minds are needed in the task of world evangelism.

You have written many letters to churches where you had formerly been their pastor. In one of these letters, you accused a church member of living with his father's wife, and you caused the whole church to feel badly and the poor fellow was expelled as a result.

Your ministry has been far too spasmodic to be of any success. First Asia Minor, then Macedonia, then Greece, then Italy, and now you are talking about a wild-goose chase to Spain. Concentration is more important than dissipation of one's powers. You cannot win the whole world by yourself! You are just one little Paul. In a recent sermon you said this:

"God forbid that you should glory in anything save the Cross of Christ."

It seems to us that you also ‘ought to’ glory in our heritage, our denominational program, and the unified budget.

Your sermons are much too long for our time. At one place, you talked until midnight and a young man was so sleepy that he fell out of the window and broke his neck. Nobody is saved after the first 20 minutes. "Stand up, speak up, and shut up," ……… is our advice.

Dr. Luke reports that you are a thin little man, knobby-kneed, bald, frequently sick, and always so agitated over your churches that you sleep very poorly. He reports that you pace about the house praying half the night. A healthy mind in a robust body is our requirement for all our applicants. A good night's rest will give you zest so that you will wake up full of vim and vinegar!
You wrote recently to a young Timothy, that you had "fought a good fight." Fighting is hardly a recommendation for a missionary.

No fight is a good fight. Jesus came not to bring a sword, but peace. You boast that you: "… fought with the wild beasts of Ephesus."

What on earth did you mean by that?

It hurts me to tell you this, my brother, but in all of the many years of my experience, I have never met a man so ‘opposite’ to the requirements of our foreign Missions board. [If] we accepted you, we would break every rule of modern missionary practice.

Most Sincerely yours,

Flavius Numbskull, Chairman;
Foreign Missions Board 27893.

Gene & Shelba Pollic

Galatians 6:9